Djmattsexton’s Blog

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Hello world!

So I sit here tired and a day closer to eternal dirt nap (at least I should get some sleep then). I have completed yet another trip around the sun

“Hear ’em singing Happy Birthday,
Better think about the wish I made, This year gone by ain’t been a piece of cake.”

 

I thought wow I must be getting old and blood thinning I am really cold. I then realized that I was cold cause I was sitting here in my boxers and JUST shaved my head-so that could be ONE problem. Then I realized that my heater had kicked off. So after all these years I have gotten smarter, learned a few lessons…but still cannot grasp common sense.


I reflect back on sacrifices, hard work, the good, the bad and everything in-between. Even though I tend to focus more on the negative, it is not because I am pessimistic-it is because I want to always push myself harder faster stronger deeper!!!

Most people celebrate, drink, or hang with loved ones. I sit back by myself and wonder.

“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trail
For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while”

As always,  the friends I have in my life, the real friends, are very special to me. By choice I don’t have many.  Those I consider friends, can call on me at any time (hell any one can call on me and I will jump). Many of my friends I don’t talk to or see very often-but that is the beauty of those I call friend…they are in my heart. I have found this past year (more than most) that many of my friends don’t take the friendship as seriously as I do. Many use others for their own betterment. I have found this out way too much, and have even been hurt financially by it. Some may know this, others won’t believe but, if you are, or have been my friend-I thank you for that opportunity. You all have mentored me in one way or another.

I have come to realize that contrary to what many believe, I am a loner. I don’t consider myself an outgoing person. Yea, I am at an event or public place every night surrounded by people. But I go by myself. The same can be said for the ways in which I make my money-I am a one man crew. The reason for this, unfortunately, I have found I cannot trust anyone. In many circumstances…people let you down. Not necessarily for any reason, it is just most look out for number one instead of others. I am exactly the opposite.

I do WAY TOO MUCH for others. Yea I am a dick and come across as Billy F-U Baddass, but I do it to make sure that I can be friends with someone before I let them in. Anyone who knows me will say I am moody-aggressive-hard working-compassionate-very strange, BUT, I am also hardworking, loyal, and giving. All to a fault. I work till I crash, I am way too loyal to Friends and business clients-far more than I should be. And GIVING? Hell I have gone without just to make someone else smile or give something they wanted. It has cost me a relationship I wanted (YES she said I was TOO NICE to her). Being giving has allowed me to better someone else’s career in many cases (from interviewing for a job and telling the employer that my friend who was also interviewing would do a better job than me-I even bought boobs for someone to better their modeling career). HERE IS THE KICKER-I do something nice for someone and some think I want something in return? SHIT PEOPLE I like making someone feel good and smile. At the very least, if I can control it, I don’t want anyone to feel the negative ways I have felt, AND I want those I choose as friends to have some of the experiences I have had. No matter what, I don’t think I can/will change. I am me, and if it scares you off-so be it.

“And now I’m glad I didn’t know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I’d of had to miss the dance”.

Recently I do and do and do. I am told I don’t do enough, I am not taking those comments personally, cause I know in my heart I cannot do anymore, if I am not good enough or my actions are not strong enough and speak loud enough then I cannot do anymore and have to accept that I am not where that person needs me to be-I can and will always be there as a friend.

To all of my friends if I don’t show it, THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME THE HONOR OF CALLING YOU FRIEND. This year I have met some new friends, and business associates. I hope that I continue to have the chance to get to know you and continue to build our financially rewarding partnerships.


I probably don’t realize how much my friends do for me. I am sure that many do more for me than I do for them. I want EVERYONE to know that I appreciate everything and anything ya’all do for me. I especially thank you for the small things you don’t realize.

With any of my friends I always hold you dear-even when I should not. One person I will always have close is not even on this earth any longer. I have not felt her in 20 plus years, but at a very young age she had a huge impact on my life and I miss her to this day

“Now {Only The Good Die Young} stops me in my tracks Everytime I hear that song, I go back….”

I lost Kelly when we were in the 7th Grade after she fought hard against the evil that is cancer (that sees no age and claims anyone-even the innocent). Kelly taught me that you can be compassionate and loving even underneath a TOUGH and sometimes mean exterior. After she died someone told me that she had a huge crush on me and blah blah blah. While to this day it pisses me off that that person told me that, COME ON That can put some feelings of guilt on a kid (that is carried on to this day). However it taught me a huge lesson…TELL THOSE YOU CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCES

“Cause I’ve lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them, Now I live with the regret, That my true feelings for them never were revealed, So I made a promise to myself, To say each day how much she means to me, And avoid that circumstance, Where there’s no second chance to tell her how I feel.”)

Over the past few years I have a person who I am not with and probably never will be, but, even though it pisses her off…I tell her every time we talk-I love her. In her death Kelly has taught me a very important lesson. Since I have adopted her as my guardian angel (or maybe vice versa LOL) over the past 20 years she has been very busy.

I am now 34

“The competition’s getting younger Tougher broncs, you know I can’t recall, The worn out tape of Chris LeDoux, lonely women and bad booze, Seem to be the only friends I’ve left at all”

I work way too much, work out beyond my physical boundaries, and play way too hard. I go until my candle burns out at both ends. For some reason I am chasing ghosts. Maybe the ghost of seeing my dad in a suit and tie everyday-no vacations and behind a desk working STUPID hours. I vowed very young that would never be me. Another ghost I fight is my physical stature (yet another one-thanx dad! LOL).

I have my height and temper from the Irish side of my family. On the other side of my family I have taken after my Grandfather. Not his height or long arms, or ripped abs and chest, or his sense of style, or his good looks- I have his giving traits (and yes many times that pisses me off!), but I also have his eyes and his shoulders. To this day, every young (and OLD) lady I know says “your Grandpa is hot.” Great, my Grandpa gets hit on more than me. ANYWAY I am not very tall…ok I AM SHORT. BUT I am strong as an OX and probably in the upper ranks of “Normal” 34 year old males in terms of physical fitness (funny thing according to body mass index I am morbidly obese). Just like trying to overcome my other demons and ghosts, I try too hard to overcome my physical down falls by working out way too hard-to the point of injury and pain.

I also fight the ghost of failure. We all fail and that is what makes us grow

“why do we fall “Master Bruce”-to learn to pick ourselves back up.”

 I went through a period of my life where I could not win. I failed at every chance! From jobs, to personal physical goals, to 2 VERY Un-healthy relationships. I hated to fail. But I have adopted some new outlooks and positive thinking (By the way read the book “The Secret.”) While it is scary and sometimes difficult to go after a new contract, meet a new contact, overcome a difficult clients needs, or realize I CAN NOT lift that weight (and need to do more with less) I have come to realize that

“with every failure I am closer to success.”-Einstein
 
Some of my failures I bring on myself. I am the first to say I do, before I think. I would rather fall off that horse-break something-and have a GREAT EXPERIENCE and STORY, than to listen to the professional who says I cannot do it! I do, and have had the chance to experience a lot of very cool things. Many I have done well and conquered, others I have failure MISERABLY. But all have taught me something-and given me some GREAT STORIES. I want to be that old guy-the ones I always gravitated to that sit by a campfire or on a porch and can spin tales for hours (some even true LOL). Since I have been interjecting song lyrics into this self description…this sums me up to a tee-with the exception of one verse I have edited out.

“I don’t know why I act the way I do
Like I ain’t got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy
I guess that’s just the cowboy in me

I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin’ mad
At where this road I’m heading down might lead
I guess that’s just the cowboy in me

The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I’ve done for foolish pride
The me that’s never satisfied
The face that’s in the mirror when I don’t like what I see I guess that’s just the cowboy in me

We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that’s just the cowboy in us all.”

This year has been the most successful ever, yet also had some of the worst cases of cancelations, being “let go,” equipment problems (i.e. world famous rock stars dumping a 6 pack of beer on my computer), fights (other DJ’s, Sound guys, clients-BUT I REALLY DON’T THINK I DO ANYTHING WRONG;). I am a walking ying and yang with horrible luck. I also have some great personal moments. I accepted and forgave someone who hurt me (that was a great feet for life in general)…I also walked away from many altercations. This was huge for me; while “no one ever wins a fight” I always liked being the one with the least amount of blood on my face and the most on my hands. While the sound of bones breaking is still one of my favorite sounds in the world…I also know that it could be mine I am hearing. On multiple occasions I have walked away and I am proud of that!!!

Even though I bring some of it on myself…I have terrible luck. Just as I said above I had a run of failure. Combine that with numerous experiences/events I have been associated with, I have come to the acceptance…I have just plain bad luck. Need an example? In a one week period
1.) Broke up
2.) Lost job
3.) Was stabbed
4.) In hospital
5.) Had run in with Police
6.) Dog got fleas
7.) Pick up truck broke down

(“AND AFTER READING IT, I REALIZED THAT MY FRIEND HAD WRITTEN THE PERFECT COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG.”)

Funny thing is, this kind of thing happens to me all the time. A person once said, “the small things that are easy to everyone else, you fly off handle, but if it is catastrophic you are like, ‘oh well.'”

I truly am Charlie Brown. If I didn’t have bad luck…I would have no luck. Don’t get me wrong not everything that happens to me is just dumb luck.
 
I like everyone else have made mistakes

“regrets I have a few, but few too to mention”

and there are other things I have accomplished and am proud of. I work hard and play just as hard

“my work is my play cause I’m playin’ when I work.”

 Right now in my life this “career” that I have been working on and manipulating to stay working is giving me one hell of a ride. There are many lanes on my highway to success in the form of all kinds of different projects. Sometimes the road is bumpy but I am confident it will lead to where I want (“God blessed the broken road”). I am always around people and work in exciting situations, yet I want more.

I want one thing, the same “one thing” that everyone wants. My one thing is different than many, and the same as a few. Everyone has that one thing, and we all need to find it. Mine is happiness in giving to many and making others Happy and smile-I want to be a success making others happy and for one small piece of their life forget about their problems…because of something I did.

My one thing would be complete, if I could get a quiet life when not “on”

“Not too soft not too loud Just enough to draw a crowd Quietly, quietly, quietly making noise.”

 That is how I will find my one thing. At this ripe young age of 34…I am still searching for my one thing, while I don’t know where the journey will end, I am in the middle of it

“Sometimes the best map will not guide you, sometimes you can’t see what’s round the bend.”

In regards to relationships I have found I do have a type. I have dated fitness competitors, book geeks, smart girls, dumb girls, and yes whores. Some have hurt me

“You gave me your word, but words for you are lies Darlin’ in my wildest dreams, I never thought I’d go But it’s time to let you know,”

 others I have been a real prick too. Both situations have taught me I don’t want anyone to feel like I have felt nor do I want to intentionally hurt someone. It would be cool to have a super hot model on my arm. But I would rather be with someone who can challenge me mentally, to be a better person, and to feel good just by being around them. I want someone who will allow me to do for them, without taking advantage-and vice versa. I know I am sick of whores, I am tired of drunks. I want someone who I can trust. I want a person I can talk with, share with and do things for. If she is a nice and a good person…I just want the girl next door (not here of course; one is an old married woman the other is a Chinese man). I want a woman who can let me treat her as all women should be treated like gold.

“Sure are some proud girls And you can’t tell them nothin’ And I tell you right now girls May just be seven wonders of this big, old round world But how ’bout them cowgirls.”

So my name is known different to many: Matt, Robert, Sexton, “SEX,” DJ, Lil Matty, Boss, Asshole, Matty Boy, “M,” The guy with the Republican Tattoo, The guy in the hat, That guy at Riverwatch…the title I like most is friend.

“I’ve proven who I am so many times, The magnetic strip’s worn thin, And each time I was someone else, And every one was taken in.”

Someday I hope all are names associated with someone who is remembered as a hard worker, who was caring, and who gave back and paid it forward. It would be nice to know I made a positive influence on one person’s life. Those are areas I am working on. Maybe when I look back at 68 I will have a better understanding of the above wish, and have directions on my road to happiness, MAYBE I will have found my “one thing.” MAYBE…in my next 30 years

“I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age.
The ending of an era and the turning of a page.
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here,
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years. Hey my next thirty years Im gonna have some fun,
Try to forget about all the crazy things Ive done.
Maybe now Ive conquered all my adolescent fears
And Ill do it better in my next thirty years.

My next thirty years Im gonna settle all the scores,
Cry a little less, laugh a little more.
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear,
Figure out just what Im doing here.”
 

I do know that in my past 34 years, I have learned a lot. After just under a decade at The Ohio State University…I learned one thing I hate Math and Spanish. The institution of life has taught me something far greater. Success is not measure in the amount of stuff, measured in the amount of worth, and not measured in the number of people looking up at the stage (at times THANK GOD FOR THE LATTER), success is in the measure of the man. I hope to be huge one day!!! 


This day after 34 years, I believe I am complex and scared-but, I believe I am taking those 2 negatives and making them into driving forces for happiness and success. I believe I am not Superman, but I am not an old geezer. While finding acceptance of my age…age is nothing but a number. I also know that every person I have met has helped to form the person I am. To all the good and bad…thank you! As I get older, there are more physical aches, more bills, the nights get longer and the mornings earlier, while the responsibilities grow

“These days I get up about the time I used to go to bed. Living large was once the deal, Now I watch the stars instead. They’re timeless and predictable, Unlike most things that I do.”

I have come the conclusion that I must work hard, continue to grow as a person, treat others the way I want to be treated, and  just DO IT. Without wondering too much. I have to just do what I can and let the Good Lord above…handle it. He knows far more that me, or anyone I might turn to for help!

There are many songs that shape my life (I will list a few of them, however there is one that defines my life…

I’ve been sittin here
Tryin to find myself
I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And I feel like number one
Yet I’m last in line
I watch my youngest son
And it helps to pass the time
I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, but still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud
A lot of folks f*** with me
It’s hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that’s the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
Out strecthed hands and one night stands
Still I can’t find love

And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around

People don’t know about the things I say and do
They don’t understand about the shit that I’ve been through
It’s been so long since I’ve been home
I’ve been gone, I’ve been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Oh somehow I know there’s more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain’t seen mine
No I ain’t seen mine
I’ve been giving just ain’t been gettin
I’ve been walking that there line
So I think I’ll keep a walking
With my head held high
I’ll keep moving on and only God knows why
 
It will interesting to read this as I grow older not up.

“Im growing older but not up My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck Let those winds of time blow over my head Id rather die while Im living than live while Im dead.”

I have found that as I get older, so do my heroes, or those I look up to. Some have even passed on to the next world.  All those I look up to are either due to work ethic, strong opinions, or making others smile and make a living doing so. Some are all of the above.

MY HEROS

1.) My Grandfather-he pisses me off! I will never be like him yet I will try. He does and has always helped anyone out-even when he knows he will be burned!

2.) Jimmy Buffett-he makes people forget about their problems for that one song, or that one night of a concert. AND MAKES A VERY GOOD LIVING OUT OF IT!

 3.) Ted Nugent-Combines all his passions and vents through music. He is my dude!  The ONE LONE WOLF Conservative in the entertainment world! Thanx “Uncle” Ted

4.) Francis Albert Sinatra-Did things ‘his way’ and created his own form of entertainment…the ultimate showman. He was Billy Badd A** yet was kind, gentle, and always getting hurt

5.) The Underdogs-those who rise above whatever their limitations…from sports heroes, to business guys, to the kids at the Special Olympics…you work hard you overcome, you get my props!!!

 

SONGS THAT HIT HOME (while typing this, still private…wanna know why-look up lyrics)

1.) Behind Blue Eyes-The Who 

2.) My Way-Frank Sinatra

3.) Pacing the Cage-Jimmy Buffett

4.) Better as a Memory-Kenny Chesney

5.) All the way-Frank Sinatra

6.) Wanted Dead or Alive-Bon Jovi

7.) This Cowboys Hat-Chris Ledoux

8.) Cowboy in Me-Tim McGraw

9.) No Easy Way Out-Survivor

10.) Don’t stop believing-Journey (and no dude you are not a small town girl comments!)

One I gotz ta mention “Carmen Ohio”-Buckeye Nation before/after a game

MOVIES THAT MAKE ME

1.) Batman (Original)

2.) Rudy

3.) The Joker is Wild (and it is NOT a Batman movie)

4.) Pay it Forward

5.) Say Anything

6.) Rocky IV (shut up!!!)

7.) Serendipity

8.) Pure Country

9.) Boondock Saints

10.) Walk the line

So that is me in a blog. Wrapped up with all the good and bad of 34 years. I am still writting my book, and working on a few songs. This was for me, and not whoever is still reading this. I need to put thoughts into writing and what the hell…I am an open book and I will share. Speaking of books…”My Life, shaken, with a twist of fate,” has 4 chapters completed. 

 

Sunset is an angel weeping
Holding out a bloody sword
No matter how I squint I cannot
Make out what it’s pointing toward
Sometimes you feel like you live too long
Days drip slowly on the page
You catch yourself
Pacing the cage

I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I could pillage
All the spells that I could sing
It’s as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later you’ll wind up
Pacing the cage

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can’t see what’s round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend
Today these eyes scan bleached-out land
For the coming of the outbound stage
Pacing the cage

 

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March 3, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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